Lest any of you were thinking that my job was serious, I offer you a sneak peak at some of the highbrow, intellectual work I've been working on lately. Context might help a bit, but I think you'll come to your own conclusions soon enough. Okay a little background: This 'episode' (a series of texts and dialogues recorded by real actors) centers around the visit of an Australian man to a San Francisco cosmetics company. Because my boss is an avid surfer, and one of our clients is a major surfwear company, I was instructed to refer to Mavericks and use surfing jargon as much as possible. Being an avid surfer myself, I had no problem with this. You might notice a slight tendency towards stereotyping the shit out of Australians, which is always fun. I can't wait to give the poor Aussie bastard this script and then hide from him. Voila:

Scene 1: An email from Mick to Bruno-

Gday, Bruno how are things over there in the States? Working hard, or hardly working? Anyway this here email's just to let you know in advance that I'll be attending our quarterly sales meeting in San Francisco next month, and I hope we'll have a chance to talk about how things are going in Asia. I'm going to do some surfing over there at Mavericks, and you're welcome to come along, if you like. I hear the swell is perfect this time of year, and I've always dreamed of surfing the pacific ocean. Of course here in Australia, I also surf the pacific ocean, but it will be nice to see those California waves any way.

Cheers,
Mick 'Kangaroo' McManus
Director of Operations
Delavigne Asian Division

Scene 2, wherein Mick meets Philip Cheeter director sales (voiced by yours truly)

Mick : Gday Philip, How's it going mate?

Philip: I'm looking good, and feeling great, Mark.

Mark: The name's Mick, Mate.

Philip: That's Great Mike. You still wrestling those alligators?

Mick: We have crocodiles in Australia, and no I don't wrestle crocs, I work for Delavigne in Sydney.

Philip: Yeah, I hear those alligators can be really aggressive. How's the surf on the Gold Coast?

Mick: Oh it's brilliant mate, just brilliant. But I'm going to check out Mavericks this weekend, you feel like coming with me? Should be incredible session.I'm going to shake it down the boogie style, if you know what I mean.

Philip: Hey that's sounds great, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Are there any women surfers out there?

Mick: There are a few, but it's mainly sharks out there mate.

Philip: I'll pass. But let's be sure to throw another shrimp on the barbie when you get back.

Mick: Will do mate, cheers.

Scene 3- wherein Mick meets Luna DeLune, animal rights activist and director of Human resources

Luna: Hello, You must be the Australian fellow from Sydney, Mr. McManus... I'm Luna DeLune.

Mick: That's right. My names Mick, but my friends call me the 'kangaroo'.

Luna: Oh that's adorable. Do you love kangaroos, Mick?

Mick: No I hate 'em. A kangaroo killed me dingo in a bar fight. Jumped right on his skull until it cracked in two like a cuckaberra nut (is a cucaberra a nut or a bird or a tree? Check me for bullshit later.).

Luna: Oh my goodness! That's awful.

Mick: No worries. I got me revenge. Strangled the beast with my bare hands, I did. Ever since then they call me Kangaroo McManus.

Luna: I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me Mr. McManus.

Mick: Cheers, Luna. Let's have a few beers later and maybe a game of rugby?

Luna: Goodbye Mr. McManus

I think you get the point. It's sheer stupidity in a professional setting. If I were French and wanted to learn English, I would definitely pay for this kind of lesson. What do you think? My favorite part of the job is actually going to bars in Paris and 'racially profiling' for actors when we need to find Indian or Chinese accents. I basically approach people, assure them that I'm legitimate by giving them a card that says (Insert company name here on it) which is roughly the equivalent of saying I'm a professor at Clown College. Once they no I'm for real, I then offer them 40 dollars to spend 2 hours in a recording studio and recite these scripts without laughing or becoming violent.

I believe I already wrote about my epic Chinese episode a while back, I think it certainly cements a place for me in hell. At least in one of the lower circles. I'll keep you abreast of the in-progress episode featuring a slavic mafia boss named Dr. Badguy who kidnaps and holds for ransom on of the company's volunteer monkeys.

I wish I weren't so tired, because this post has the potential to be so funny, but I feel like poop. I dropped my cell phone in the Canal St. Martin yesterday, much to the amusement of my group of drunk French companions. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

Peace Out