Lest any of you were thinking that my job was serious, I offer you a sneak peak at some of the highbrow, intellectual work I've been working on lately. Context might help a bit, but I think you'll come to your own conclusions soon enough. Okay a little background: This 'episode' (a series of texts and dialogues recorded by real actors) centers around the visit of an Australian man to a San Francisco cosmetics company. Because my boss is an avid surfer, and one of our clients is a major surfwear company, I was instructed to refer to Mavericks and use surfing jargon as much as possible. Being an avid surfer myself, I had no problem with this. You might notice a slight tendency towards stereotyping the shit out of Australians, which is always fun. I can't wait to give the poor Aussie bastard this script and then hide from him. Voila:

Scene 1: An email from Mick to Bruno-

Gday, Bruno how are things over there in the States? Working hard, or hardly working? Anyway this here email's just to let you know in advance that I'll be attending our quarterly sales meeting in San Francisco next month, and I hope we'll have a chance to talk about how things are going in Asia. I'm going to do some surfing over there at Mavericks, and you're welcome to come along, if you like. I hear the swell is perfect this time of year, and I've always dreamed of surfing the pacific ocean. Of course here in Australia, I also surf the pacific ocean, but it will be nice to see those California waves any way.

Cheers,
Mick 'Kangaroo' McManus
Director of Operations
Delavigne Asian Division

Scene 2, wherein Mick meets Philip Cheeter director sales (voiced by yours truly)

Mick : Gday Philip, How's it going mate?

Philip: I'm looking good, and feeling great, Mark.

Mark: The name's Mick, Mate.

Philip: That's Great Mike. You still wrestling those alligators?

Mick: We have crocodiles in Australia, and no I don't wrestle crocs, I work for Delavigne in Sydney.

Philip: Yeah, I hear those alligators can be really aggressive. How's the surf on the Gold Coast?

Mick: Oh it's brilliant mate, just brilliant. But I'm going to check out Mavericks this weekend, you feel like coming with me? Should be incredible session.I'm going to shake it down the boogie style, if you know what I mean.

Philip: Hey that's sounds great, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Are there any women surfers out there?

Mick: There are a few, but it's mainly sharks out there mate.

Philip: I'll pass. But let's be sure to throw another shrimp on the barbie when you get back.

Mick: Will do mate, cheers.

Scene 3- wherein Mick meets Luna DeLune, animal rights activist and director of Human resources

Luna: Hello, You must be the Australian fellow from Sydney, Mr. McManus... I'm Luna DeLune.

Mick: That's right. My names Mick, but my friends call me the 'kangaroo'.

Luna: Oh that's adorable. Do you love kangaroos, Mick?

Mick: No I hate 'em. A kangaroo killed me dingo in a bar fight. Jumped right on his skull until it cracked in two like a cuckaberra nut (is a cucaberra a nut or a bird or a tree? Check me for bullshit later.).

Luna: Oh my goodness! That's awful.

Mick: No worries. I got me revenge. Strangled the beast with my bare hands, I did. Ever since then they call me Kangaroo McManus.

Luna: I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me Mr. McManus.

Mick: Cheers, Luna. Let's have a few beers later and maybe a game of rugby?

Luna: Goodbye Mr. McManus

I think you get the point. It's sheer stupidity in a professional setting. If I were French and wanted to learn English, I would definitely pay for this kind of lesson. What do you think? My favorite part of the job is actually going to bars in Paris and 'racially profiling' for actors when we need to find Indian or Chinese accents. I basically approach people, assure them that I'm legitimate by giving them a card that says (Insert company name here on it) which is roughly the equivalent of saying I'm a professor at Clown College. Once they no I'm for real, I then offer them 40 dollars to spend 2 hours in a recording studio and recite these scripts without laughing or becoming violent.

I believe I already wrote about my epic Chinese episode a while back, I think it certainly cements a place for me in hell. At least in one of the lower circles. I'll keep you abreast of the in-progress episode featuring a slavic mafia boss named Dr. Badguy who kidnaps and holds for ransom on of the company's volunteer monkeys.

I wish I weren't so tired, because this post has the potential to be so funny, but I feel like poop. I dropped my cell phone in the Canal St. Martin yesterday, much to the amusement of my group of drunk French companions. Please don't tell anyone how I live.

Peace Out

What can I say? I'm a beast who knows no limit.

Big apologies to Frank, who I was supposed to meet in Amsterdam last week.

So far, G-mail has turned out to be a baffling ordeal, even for a 'g' such as I.

uhhh... be right back.

Peace out

I think my father said it best: Even though you're just kvetching, it's good to see the blog back on its feet. And this dated yiddish idiom expresses the state of things very well, I must say. With the stunning renaissance of the blog comes other big news: I have a gmail address.
Aisforandrew@gmail.com, of course you can still reach me at any of my eight other e-mail addresses or even call me. Look for an impersonal e-mail announcing this event in the near future.

Looking forward to a substantial weekend post.

Your pal,
me

4? No I just can't hack it.
Forgiveness, please.

The moustache era has been reborn.

Keep Hope Alive

Are you kidding me mr. three days in a row????!!! No I kid you not, although it is only to say this, perhaps only for my own benefit: I am an idea factory. Even though it is clearly not evident from these putrid blog entries, I am a factory of ideas. And what's more, I have the chance to bring to life all the fancies which spring to my convoluted mind! I appreciate that.

I met a real lawyer today. He schooled me on some legal shit, which was real.

Peace out

Two consecutive days of blogging? I'm setting a dangerous precedent here, for my audience of one. All told, I had an extremely shitty day today. Some late night whiskey and cokes have left me feeling more than braindead. I believe I've reached the limits of how far my natural abilities to speak French can take me. I need to take some courses if I'm to ever master this wretched tongue. I say that only because I speak just well enough for people to expect me to communicate effectively all the time. This is not really too much to expect, not unreasonable at all, but I am painfully incapable of expressing any abstract thought at any given moment. Actually I can be pretty lame at even communicating very basic ones, for that matter. It's difficult to maintain a rational point of view, or a strong opinion when you're not capable of putting it into words. Ironically, it's difficult to express this sentiment even in English. Perhaps I'm just an idiot. Met an important client who was pretty much eager to eat up whatever I said, but didn't manage to emit a coherent noise throughout. Did spill my coffee spectacularly, however, I almost forgot. Everyone was very impressed. Me in business situations is some comical shit. There is a profound sadness about it as well. I'm like the tragic clown Pagliacci.
My overall effort at lunch would have made Millhouse proud. Wah-lah.

I hope that one day, long after my eventual death from frostbite, this blog will be considered part of the new 'blogging revolution' I hear so much about. I could make or break a presidential canditate with my extensive fact-checking and rigorous research.

Watched a documentary about Ron Jeremy yesterday, I thought I should mention that. The 'hedgehog' was one decent looking jew in his hey dey, but oh how the times have changed.

I use the famous phrase 'Peace out' to end my entry because I have introduced this saying to the customers as an acceptable way to finish a business letter or conversation. Comical I tell you.
Peace out

I'll just pretend that I never left. Things in Paris continue to progress. The weather sucks. It's snowy and icy and the type of weather that makes you want to stay inside your tiny room, until you realize that there is no heat in your apartment, which wouldn't seem so bad if there was hot water, and it didn't constantly smell like acrylic spray paint. But enough for the complaints. I think I'm in Paris for the long run. The business seems to be going well and I get to write for a living, which is something I never imagined which would come to pass so quickly. I finally took a vacation. Found myself back in Asia, (Korea and Japan) where I ate mightily and reminisced with old friends. It was cold there too, and I lost a lot of cash on the mean streets of Tokyo. (The safest city in the world, I'm told). I took a few photos, mostly of the marine life in an Osaka aquarium. So I'll forever remember my journey with images of a japanese spider crab and some unhappy emperor penguins. I had battery issues with my camera, and hence the lack of photos from Tokyo. I'll try to post those eventually. Actually I'm thinking of giving a facelift to this website if I ever get around to it. There are entirely too many photos of me, and I don't really enjoy looking at the site. Also there are some archive issues, which I should remedy, seeing as the bulk of the content of the blog was written almost three years ago. Anyhoo, I was invited to a friends marriage in Saskatoon in July. Saskatoon is in Canada, Sasketchewan in fact. I looked it up on the map. I'm going to try to visit the Great White North and try to cap it off with a visit back to San Francisco, but we'll see if that works out. I received a visit from Leslie Brody, formerly my professor of Non-fiction writing back in college. She was happy to see that I now make a living writing trashy anecdotes and passing them off as pedagogical tools for French business people. It was nice to see her. The first non-Arnon to visit me in Paris, I'll have you know. Actually I'm taking suggestions for a new name for this site, slightly less self-indulgent than this one (Feel free to include such descriptives as the 'never updated' or 'long abandoned' 'barely breathing'.) I'm comfortable with that. Anything else I wanted to say? Oh yes, for all of you in San Francisco, my charming French cousine is now in the 'sco with few friends and not much to do. She wants to practice her English and just hang out, so if you think you could help her out, please get in touch with me, or call my house. That would be much appreciated. I'll be back.